Our lives are busy and pressured with all of the duties and responsibilities of marriage and family life; our work lives demand more and more of our time; we’ve may have aging parents who need our attention, a car that’s leaking oil, a kid who’s having trouble at school. We’ve got needs for rest and physical exercise, a home that needs maintaining, and the need for some kind of creativity or community involvement.
So how do we keep our heads and our bodies in our sex and intimacy with our spouse through all of that? How do we get the experience of lush and rich monogamy in our marriage and build a regular sense of fulfillment into our weeks together?
I believe that our biggest issue in marriage today is what I call drifting. We know that we love each other, we’re not at a breaking point, we’re not cheating or being destructive towards each other, but we can’t feel our love.
Why can’t we feel it?
We can’t feel our love because we’re not engaging in it. We’re not engaging in the fun and romance that builds ease together, or the affection that helps to build desire, or the straight-ahead sex and naked-in-the-sheets intimacy that opens us up and lets us let go into each other. We’re not, as a society, offering ourselves the things in marriage which support closeness, and so we have fallen prey to what I call “roommate-itis,” or “marital bed death.”
And we don’t want that. When our marriages are plagued by drifting, we feel distanced—from our passion, from our love, and from our sensual connection to our commitment.
Our sensual life does, indeed, help to build our commitment. It’s the magic glue that keeps us close; the barometer of how we’re doing with each other. So we don’t want to skip out on that part, to check out because we’re “too busy,” or we’re waiting for just the right moment to get naked together.
So how, practically, do we get to the love we say we want? We have to set aside time for it. Truly, if we think that tie is going to fall from the sky for us in perfect, both-at-the-same-time, in-the-mood harmony, we are going to be waiting a long time. In the upcoming blogs we’re going to talk about how to set aside time for love, and how to get practiced at getting our hands, hearts and bodies into our loving.
That’s the point of love, right? To experience it and to feel it.