How do we get to the loving we say we want in our busy marriages?
Here’s how: we set and keep a regular time to be close to each other. The key of what I’m talking about is uninterrupted time. Time we can get our hands, hearts and bodies in regularly.
Whenever I coach couples about this idea—about setting aside a set time for a weekly uninterrupted hour or two to make love or be close—I hear the same thing: “Well, I can’t just turn on my desire at an appointed time.”
And the truth is, we can. We can train ourselves to power down the screen, shut off the phones, and set aside the cares of our married life and turn and focus on our partner. In fact, a set time gives us a gift in marriage: it gives us ramp up time to prepare for loving. And when we set a side time week after week, we start developing a Pavlovian cue—meaning, our set time helps us to get in the mood, leave life’s cares behind, and get ready to have a good romp or a close sensual encounter with our partner.
If we want regular uninterrupted time for intimacy in marriage, we’ve got to put it aside and take it. Marriage isn’t like dating. It isn’t going to offer us the wide open field of throwing ourselves on the altar of love—there are too many responsibilities to attend to now. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have our passion. We can. We just have to decide, and commit to a practice of taking the time out for love that we want. That’s the point: if we want time for sensuality in marriage, we have to set it up and take it.
The good news is, it’s not hard to learn how to do this. In my new and upcoming book, I offer simple shortcuts to get into our sex and intimacy regularly, as well as our communication, our romance and affection, and even our money and lifestyle choices so that we get to the fulfillment we’re longing for.
If we want prowess with each other, fulfillment, and passion, then we have to have a sexual practice. An uninterrupted, regularly scheduled hour will give it to us.